By Kirsty Jordan Founder and Owner of Therapy and Education Collaboration Ltd and Abundance TEC Ltd (Therapy, Education and Coaching)

Think thoughts of defeat or failure and you are bound to be discouraged. Think thoughts of success and you may feel an increase in motivation and happiness. Belief is an incredibly powerful state of mind. Our own beliefs not only shape us as individuals, but also determine our potential. Henry Ford was correct when he said, “whether you think you can or think you can’t – you are right.” Your belief system is like your computer, it doesn’t judge what you input; it simply accepts it as the truth. Beliefs are integral to the boundaries that we set ourselves and impact greatly on our expectations and relationships we have with others, including our children. Many people come into therapy struggling with boundaries that they have set themselves, which have resulted in feelings of anxiety, low confidence and poor self-esteem. Some clients also present with a conflict of emotions over boundaries that they have been set by others, sometimes even historically, as a child.

Why are boundaries so important?

Firstly, it’s okay to set boundaries and have expectations of ourselves, but we must be mindful of the psychological and social impact our boundaries can have on us. When we consider how much of our time, energy and resources we give to; ourselves, our career, our relationships, friendships and so on, we need to consider whether the outcome is worth it. The boundaries we set are invisible lines that shape our own world. Living in a world, where there is increasing demands on us as individuals, we need to ensure that our boundaries protect us, whilst allowing us to be the best, authentic version of ourselves.

Setting your own

Becoming aware of boundaries, for our own self-preservation is essential to ensure we avoid burnout, whilst developing and maintaining healthy relationships with others. The following suggestions are some ways that we can adapt our boundaries to ensure we are meeting our own needs.

  • Become aware-consciously identify what your needs are and the needs of others around
    you.
  • Know what needs to be done by yourself and what you can allocate to other people to
    take on.
  • Set your own boundaries and limits-this can include your space, time, contact and how
    tolerant you are of others.

We should be encouraging the same principles with our children.

Children and boundaries

Many parents and professionals working with children will often state how children “test the boundaries”. A common misconception that we see with today’s children, is parents wanting to be their child’s friend. The truth be told, we all want our children to like and love us, but we are not here to be our children’s friends. Rather our role is to be their guides. If we set clear boundaries, are consistent and emotionally available for our children, then we will be teaching them to be resilient and empower them to manage their own beliefs and expectations as they grow. Boundaries can be difficult to navigate for some children and fighting a constant battle can be emotionally draining. Offering controlled choices, within the boundaries we set as a parent or professional working with children can be hugely beneficial. This empowers the child, whilst helping them to learn to navigate the complexities of life.

It’s okay to say no

It’s okay to say no to others, in order to preserve our own well-being. Feeling obliged to say yes can cause great anxiety and internal emotional conflict. The need to please others and not let other people down can feel extremely overwhelming. It is important to recognise this and reset our own boundaries. Reflect and recognise that we cannot always say yes to everyone, including our children. We do not have to always say yes to everything they want, as we are teaching our children a far greater life lesson that sometimes they will be told no and must wait. It is how they manage that and bounce back that is important. We are influencing their own beliefs, expectations and boundaries, whilst building their resilience.

Top tips for navigating your own boundaries:

  • Know your limits.
  • Be clear with your expectations.
  • Be realistic with your time and resources.
  • Set time aside for you each day-whether it’s ten minutes or a whole morning, where you can just be aware of your feelings.
  • Allocate time for reflection and reset your boundaries when you need to.

Start each day with a positive affirmation:

Each day I set my own expectations and boundaries, to ensure I preserve my energy, and to enable me to be the best version of myself.

Original article published by Kirsty Jordan in On The Doorstep 2020